Harry Potter and the Owls of the Nunnery
by littlen00bgyn
Summary: 16-year-old Harry Potter is forced to give up his newborn son to a Nobody, who takes over Potions class under mysterious circumstances.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I had thought I'd published this story earlier, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. It was written back on '09 or '10, and my husband and I are just now getting around to updating it. Currently written are chapters 1 – 11. Please note that this was written before we had completed the series. This particular fic is based on book 6.**

**CHAPTER ONE: Potter's Son**

Greenish-black eyes blinked up at him in a sleep clouded haze as Harry gazed down and his month-old son. He was still in awe as he held James Sirius in his arms. Sure he was an accident but a beautiful one and Harry wouldn't have it any other way.

"Harry the Headmaster is here to see you." Madam Pomfrey said.

Harry nodded and held his son a little tighter. Dumbledore had been trying to get him to give his son up ever since he had been born, but it was not happening. He was tired of being Dumbledore's pawn and wasn't about to let him son share his fate. He looked up as the Headmaster came in along with Fudge, Molly Weasley, Snape, and his two ex-best friends, Ron and Hermione.

"Harry," Dumbledore said softly, "The Minister is here with the papers. You need to sign them."

Harry frowned. "What do you mean 'papers I have to sign'?"

Dumbledore gave him a disapproving look. "Harry as I told you before it is not safe for you to have a child right now. That is why The Minister is here with adoption papers so that Molly can take the child and we can perform the Blood rite so the child will be hers."

"No."

"Excuse me?" Dumbledore asked a bit shocked.

"No." Harry repeated with a glare. "You are not taking my son."

"Harry be reasonable about—"

"Shove it Granger. I am tried of you hanging around. Didn't I tell you I didn't want to be around people who are only my friends because they are paid to be? So you and Weasly get out."

"Harry." Dumbledore said. "If you refuse to give you son up for adoption I am afraid that the Ministry will step in and they might not find you a suitable parent."

"Is that a threat?" Harry asked looking down at his son.

"No Harry. It's the truth."

"Well that's too. Damn. Bad. The Ministry is not taking my son and I am not giving him up to you or your pawns." Harry said holding his son closer.

"You are still sixteen Harry. The Ministry—"

"Can it Fudge. I told you my answer."

Dumbledore let out a sigh. "Then I am sorry it has to be this way Harry." He said pulling out his wand. "I really am."

"So am I." Harry said softly. "I need you Abyss."

There was a rush of something that filled the room. A few feet away from the foot of Harry's bed a huge oval of blackness with an oil like rainbow sheen appeared. A person in a long cloak appeared and the black thing closed. A wall of impenetrable magic appeared between Harry and the figure and everyone else. Harry looked up with something akin to relief on his face.

"I didn't think you would come."

The person just came closer.

"This is my son. James Sirius. And the reason I called was..." Harry looked up hopefully. "I need you to do me a big favor."

The person nodded and came to stand next to the bed.

"Remember what I told you about before? Well It has happened. I need you to keep my son safe."

The person looked up from the baby to Harry rather quickly. Dumbledore cast several spells to break the magic wall but none were working. Fudge and Molly were trying to get Harry to 'be reasonable' while Hermione and Ron were yelling at him to listen to the Headmaster. Snape was the only person who didn't seem to have anything to say.

The person pulled back their hood to reveal and tall young woman about nineteen with long silver hair that had black streak and some red in places. She was slightly tanned and yet muscular yet it only made her more beautiful. But it was her eyes that captivate them. Her eyes were a stunning violet.

She reached out and picked the child up form Harry's arms and pulled the babe close to her chest. "I will do as you ask my friend." She said, her voice commanding yet emotionless at the same time.

She slowly backed away from Harry with James Sirius still sleeping in her arms. The blackness from earlier that heralded her arrival appeared again. Harry watched with tears in his eyes. She reached the blackness and stopped.

"I promise you Harry that he will be safe and he will be loved. You have my word as I swear it on my non-existence."

"I know. Thank you."

She nodded and backing into the portal and it disappeared. As it vanished the magic wall fell as well and Harry let out a cry. No one moved except Snape who came over and placed a hand on Harry's shoulder. Harry pulled away but then gave into the comfort that the Potions Master was showing him.

"Are you sure our son will be safe with her?" Snape asked softly.

"Yes." Harry said as he dried his tears. "Akumanox will take good care of my son."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This was initially intended to be a one-shot, but at some point in 2010, my sister and I decided to continue it. The chapters will continue to be very, very short. Earlier chapters will be posted immediately, while later chapters will be posted as they are written.**

**CHAPTER TWO: MISGIVINGS**

J.S. Potter was a perfect little bundle of joy now, but he wouldn't always be. No one ever retained their innocence. He'd learn that he was an accident and turn against his parents. Wasn't that how Voldemort had become the most feared wizard of all time- by having unworthy parents? It was Harry's greatest fear that his would happen.

He thought back to the first day Dumbledore had asked him for his child. He should have just told Dumbledore to fuck off, that this was _his_ baby, that no one else would ever touch him. But instead...

He felt a sudden surge of anger. He'd been Dumbledore's pawn ever since he was eleven years old. He'd been Dumbledore's pawn ever since he was _born_! Wasn't it Dumbledore who'd originally placed him at the Dursley's, where he'd been horribly and utterly abused by his aunt, uncle, and cousin?

Why hadn't he told the Minister to go fuck himself? Why hadn't he told Dumbledore the same thing? Unsafe to have a child, indeed! Accident or not, J.S was _his_ child and _his alone_.

Or had been.

Until Harry had given him up.

Stupid, stupid, stupid! Harry berated himself. And why was everybody always on Dumbledore's side? What was so great about Dumbledore anyway? Hermione Granger was nothing but a little suckup, that's what she was. He knew that she and Ron Weasley had only become his friends because Dumbledore had paid them to and it was no different with Hagrid. Dumbledore had threatened to fire Hagrid if he didn't "rescue" Harry from Voldemort and get him to the Dursley's. As far as Harry was concerned, he would have been better off being raised by Voldemort or even staying in that house alone and dying of starvation. Maybe he wouldn't have died. Surely someone would have come along eventually and adopted him and he'd have had a better life?

He was afraid that was the kind of life J.S. would have. That he'd grow up to be just like the Dursleys, or Voldemort, or worse, like simpering idiots like Granger and Weasley who only made friends for money.

For Merlin's sake! Harry was a powerful wizard! He should have just stood up to Dumbledore- and Cornelius Faps- and cursed their heads off if they came within ten feet of his baby! Muggle teenagers could have sixteen-year-old babies around with them and they were even weaker and more defenseless than teenage wizards so what was the big idea?

He had a feeling summoning the Abyss was the biggest mistake of his life. He shuddered. There was just something about the dark one he didn't trust. He'd confided before that Dumbledore and Fudge would force him to give up his baby, but had had serious misgivings about it afterwards. Something about the dark being was just too damn unsettling. Was it the quietude, the mystery, or the fact that Dumbledore's spells didn't work on Akumanox? He hated to admit it, even-especially-to himself, but his own magic was nowhere near as strong as Dumbledore's. What if Akumanox betrayed him? He wouldn't be able to defend himself or his baby.

_"I promise you Harry that he will be safe and he will be loved. You have my word as I swear it on my non-existence."_ Those had been her last words to him.

Was Harry just being paranoid?


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER THREE: I'M PREGNANT**

Harry paced around his dorm, fists clenched, unsure of what action to take. He felt guilty about just calling upon Akumanox to see if she was keeping her promise to take care of his son. That was a mean thing to do and unfair to her if she was honestly keeping her promise and taking care of J.S. He could call on Sevy, but he didn't think the Potions Master would take kindly to him doing that as he wished to keep their relationship secret. Instead in the end Harry decided to do what he did best and that was brood.

It had all begun one drunken night. Harry had had a little too much butterbeer-dealing with traitors day in and day out and being forced to pretend he actually liked them really got to him sometimes-and he'd let himself be coaxed into bed with a pale and lank-haired brunette woman in her early forties. Little did he know that it was actually Severus Snape, also under the influence but with Polyjuice Potion instead of butterbeer. Poor Sevy had been lonely and looking for a lover for the night and knowing Harry would never recognize him with a vagina and a pair of righteous hooters, chatted him up at that weird bar with the pig head on it.

They'd gone back to the Slytherin common room since everyone else was already asleep for the night and gotten it on. Harry's first time had been indescribably wonderful. He didn't stop to wonder why they were in the Slytherin room instead of the Gryffindor one, or why they didn't just get a hotel room. Something about the "woman" beneath him reminded him of Professor Severus Snape, who he hated, and hate sex was just indescribably passionate and wonderful. "She" hadn't seemed to mind the cuts and bruises "she" had gotten from their night together, and Harry hadn't felt in the least guilty. It was nice to let go and stop angsting for once. Being dark and brooding all the time got as tiresome as dealing with traitors.

Was Harry ever in for a surprise when he actually _woke up in the Slytherin common room_ next to Severus Snape? You better bet your last Galleon he was. He dealt with this as any person in his position would: Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance.

He _had_ died last night, after all, in Snape's thin arms.

The biggest shock however was yet to come. A month later, Snape declared detention on him for no good reason other than that Snape was important and that's just what important people _do._ Make less important people than them aware that they're less important than them.

Or that's what Harry thought. In fact, Snape had called him in to tell Harry that he, Snape, was pregnant. That and he'd really enjoyed their night together and Harry should call him sometime so they could do it again. They did it again right then and there on the desk, causing a house elf to run screaming for the magical equivalent of brain bleach.

Snape went into a long-winded explanation of how, by taking the form of a woman, he was able to get pregnant, and it had something to do with ovulation and other woman things that he was actually just about as uncomfortable explaining as you are reading this unless you're a sicko pervert. He was using potions to carry the child to term faster than nine months in the interests of moving at the speed of plot.

"Why not just get rid of it?" asked Harry.

"Because it is a reminder of you and how somebody showed me love..." said Snape looking wistful and sad. Harry was immediately touched. He put his hand on Snape's. "Sevy... I'll take good care of our child," he said.

Sevy smiled, immediately brightened like a child being given candy or a large amount of money. "That's all I ask. That, and..."

"What?" asked Harry concerned.

"It's silly," insisted Snape.

"Tell me," said Harry tenderly. Snape suddenly launched himself forward and grabbed both of Harry's hands.

"Promise me you'll never leave me!" he said, looking desperate like a puppy in the smiled, immediately brightened like a child being given candy or a large amount of money. "That's all I ask. That, and..."

"What?" asked Harry concerned.

"It's silly," insisted Snape.

"Tell me," said Harry tenderly. Snape suddenly launched himself forward and grabbed both of Harry's hands.

"Promise me you'll never leave me!" he said, looking desperate like a puppy in the rain.

"I promise I'll never leave you," said Harry. Then he looked at his watch. "But I have to go."

"What? Why?"

"I have class. Remember? I'm a student."

"Oh." Snape looked disconcerted. Harry leaned forward boldly and placed a peck on his teacher's lips.

"Don't be sad. I will come back for you. I promise. I'll never let go Snape!"


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER FOUR: CONFLICT**

In the end, Harry decided that the best option would be to figure it out on his own. He was good at that. He was smart. Yeah. Smarter than Dumbledore, smarter than Hermione, smarter than everybody!

Except... he had no idea what to do. He needed help. He missed his baby, missed looking into the boy's beautiful eyes, missed having someone to call his own.

It was too much. He broke down crying. How could he have entrusted his baby to someone whose voice was a clear giveaway that that someone had no emotion?

He was so screwed. He decided to send an owl to Akumanox, wherever she was, to ask to see his child.

He located Hedwig in short order and wrote the note, crumpling it up and rewriting it several times due to his hands shaking and tears spilling down his cheeks.

He ran into Cho Chang on his way out of the owlery. There was once a time when the mere sight of her would have sent butterflies through his stomach, but he no longer had any interest in her.

He no longer had any interest in any woman.

Only Sevy mattered.

And of course their child. J.S. James Sirius. He would have named the boy after Sevy if that wouldn't have caused a lot of suspicion, which of course it would. He didn't want anyone knowing about their illicit affair.

But of course, someone already knew. Draco Malfoy. He was jealous. And it was Harry's bad fortune to have to walk right into him as he was exiting the owlery.

"Watch where you're going, Potter!" snapped Malfoy. Harry narrowed his eyes. Who did Malfoy think he was, talking to Harry like this? He didn't have to put up with this! He was Harry motherfucking Potter for Merlin's sake! Smarter and more powerful than Malfoy by far! He'd show him, he'd wipe that arrogant smirk off blondie's face!

"Go fuck yourself," Harry snapped. He was angry! It felt good to be angry!

"No you!" Malfoy shouted back.

"No your FACE!" Screamed Harry.

Malfoy looked crestfallen. "My...what?" He gasped.

"You heard me, I said your FACE! What? Yeah, that's right! I said it! I went there! You have something to say?!" Yelled Harry aggressively.

Malfoy's baby blues filled with tears as he went running for the nearest mirror.

Harry went back to the Gryffindor common room to wait for a reply.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER FIVE: CHANGE POV**

It was a dark and stormy night at the Dark Moon Keep. The weather matched Akumanox's mood. She had just received word from the father of her child. Not her biological child but the one that had been left in her care. James Sirius Potter. It seems he didn't trust Akumanox to raise the child on her own. He'd sent an owl inquiring if he could visit! The nerve of him! Didn't he understand that she could do a much better job raising J.S. on her own? She didn't need an angsty teenage babyfather interfering.

Her mood suddenly turned darker. As if to echo her change in mood there was a crack of thunder outside. She'd agree to it. She'd let Harry see his precious son, let him see that everything was fine, and maybe he'd get out of her elaborately colored hair.

She really hated Harry Potter. It wasn't just because he'd rejected her for sex but that was part of it. No it was because he was a simpering, obsequeous weasel of a human being. Usually she had nothing against gay men, but something about Harry just bugged her. He seemed like the type of guy who'd leave a perfectly decent and lovely young woman in the middle of a convicted relationshop. She didn't know why she thought that. It was just a vibe she got, and her vibes were always right.

She'd befriended him and agreed to take his child in the interests of securing a relationship with a wealthy and powerful wizard. Lucius Malfoy had had the right idea when he'd told Draco that it was in his best interest to try to get along with the Potter boy. Oh yes, she'd been there. She'd actually been on the sidelines of every major event and some minor ones that had happened during Harry Potter's life. She'd just chosen not to interfere or say anything because it wasn't her place.

Until about seven months ago. Snape had been getting a little plump, to put it delicately, and he was afraid that Dumbledore would find out and sack him for being in the sack with a student. Also not useing protection could also be frowned upon. And also maybe sleeping with a student under the influence of several alcoholic beverages and a potion meant to change someone's physical appearance. He'd left the castle under mysterious circumstances and Akumanox had been forced to take over as Potions Master. She had noticed the troubled young man immediately. Harry Potter was famous even in her world of Remirum. What she'd also noticed was that he was deeply troubled for one who seemed to have it all. Money! Status! Popularity! And a bevy of hot chicks following him around everywhere!

Though that last one could have something to do with it. From what Akumanox could tell, Harry had always preferred his friend Ron Weasely to any of the women of Hogwarts. So she quietly floated a rumor that Ron was only Harry's friend because Dumbledore paid him to be. She was very skilled at doing this. First she'd find someone at a party who was so drunk they couldn't possibly remember who they heard it from, or she'd write it down in plain handwriting unlike her gorgeous curliques and leave it lying around somewhere, and whisper it in their ear. Once she did this with enough people the rumor started circulation in its own. It had picked up better than Akumanox could have hoped- the other students said that it was the same with Hagrid and with Hermione, and then Harry was no longer able to find solace in Ron Wesley's arms and was forced to find another source of satisfaction.

Unfortunately, Akumanox hadn't forseen that Harry would go snivelling to Snivellus. At least their dalliance had hit its mark on Draco Malfoy, Snape's former lover, who hated Harry even more now. Draco didn't seem to have a problem with women, Akumanox observed, because he was always hanging around that pug-faced Pansy Parkinson. He could do better that her. But now was not the time to pursue carnal pleasure. Now was the time to get even.

Harry didn't know it, but his great granduncle had had a beef with Akumanox's father, Torin. Akumanox's Remirumese family were Angels, which meant they didn't die easily but Akumanox had been heartnapped and now she was one of the Undead. A demon angel. Elvirus Potter had done a spell out of spite for Torin when Akumanox's mental age had been 19. She was chronologically over five thousand years old. An ancient being. The spell had took Akumanox's heart and forced her to go on living as a shell. Not a horcrux. Not like someone who had drunk unicorn blood. Worse.

J.S. started crying. Akumanox made an annoyed sound and went over to change his diaper. Then feed him. Then rock him. Then a myriad other things. She couldn't have one moment to herself! She'd befriended Harry Potter and gained his trust and got him to turn his baby over to her- at his own request no less- for no other reason than revenge. Yes she wanted a child of her own. She wanted it so badly she couldn't barely stand it. But she'd never found the right man. Somehow they all ended up being homosexual or unclean or wanting to kill her.

She was no slouch in the brooding department either, though Harry would always be the champion of capslock rage. She let her mind wander and began thinking about how she'd taken Harry into her office for private instruction and counseling. Eventually he'd opened up to her. It wasn't hard. She could make herself seem like a really easy person to talk to. And she'd been sympathetic and kind to him. He'd told her about the real reason why Snape wasn't teaching at Hogwarts anymore. He'd cried on her shoulder and she'd comforted him- _there there_\- and told him that if he ever needed a friend, she would be there.

If he ever needed anything, she vowed, she'd be there for him.


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER SIX: PROFESSOR ENJERU**

Harry sat by the fire, reminiscing. He and Sevy had continued their illicit affair until Sevy had begun to show, at which point Harry had an owl to his dogfather, who arranged for Sevy to be called for "urgent business." The beautiful and mysterious Akumanox had then filled in Sevy's post as Defense teacher until Sevy delivered little J.S. to term. Sevy had taken another Polyjuice Potion so he could safely deliver J.S. at Saint Mundo's under the name Selene Evans.

Akumanox seemed a much more knowledgeable Defense teacher than any of the others had been. She seemed otherworldly, even. "There are things in htis life and many others that cannot be explained, and all you can do is play to your strengths and find out their weaknesses and pit your strengths against their weaknesses. Deffense or Offense, it makes no difference as long as you win." Wise advice from someone so young, and yet she looked battle-hardened. Seamus Finnigan raised his hand.

"Are you a vampire?" he asked suspiciously. Akumanox shook her head. "I'm too tan to be a vampire," she replied.

"You don't seem human," piped up Neville Longbottom.

"I am of a race known as Enjeru, the children of angels.

A chorus of "oooh"s and low whistles rang through the classroom.

"I did wonder why you looked so young. Nineteen's considered too young to be a teacher here," said Padma Patil. Akumanox chose to ignore this comment.

"I am Professor Akumanox Cullen-Hart. You may call me Professor Cullen-Hart, Tenyo-Sama, Professor Enjeru, or just Akumanox or Akuma. If you call me Noxy or any derivative of Noxy, I will shoot you in the face with a Muggle gun. Is that clear?"

"What's a gun?" asked Ron Weasely, looking as vacant as ever.

"It's a projectile weapon made of metal and if you get shot with it, the bullet either kills you or hurts you terribly."

"So it's like the Cruciatus Curse, only with projectiling," Parvati Patil clarified loudly. Neville shuddered and made a mental note never to refer to Prof. Cullen-Hart as "Noxy."

"What does Tenyo-sama mean?" Neville asked.

"Heavenly woman. Now. Are there any more questions? As much as I love to talk about me I do have a lesson plan to follow."

There were no other questions as the class was fascinated to hear what she had to teach them. She taught them about incubi and Pyric demons, which are incubi with higher demon status and also wings. She taught them about a curious kind of Undead that had no hearts but instead had beautiful hair in strange styles that no mere mortal could achieve. She said that if such a creature found someone to lvoe them, it would create a bond like sharing a heart.

She asked Harry to stay after class. he couldn't remember what they'd talked about, only that it had made a strong impression on him. She'd done this several times over, the fifth time asking him to sleep with her. This part Harry remembered vividly.

She'd called him into her office, where she met him in a fiery red negligee. Candles and rose petals were scattered everywhere and Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake was playing. It was all very romantic, but Harry, being male and just genetically clueless, had no idea what to make of it. He said as much and Akumanox suggested he ask Hermione, saying that she'd wait as long as it took to figure it out. He did so veritably running from the room. When he located Hermione it took five minutes to get her away from Ron and another five to stop gibbering like a moron before he finally got her to explain the birds and the bees.

As soon as he understood, he turned a brick red slightly darker than Akumanox's negligee.

He began to gibber unintelligibly again about how he couldn't possibly do such a thing. Hermione misunderstood hi to mean he couldn't boff a teacher and enthusiastically agreed with him but he'd really meant that he wasn't interested in her that way.

However, when he went back to Akumanox, he gave Hermione's assumption as an excuse.

"Sorry Professor," he said, "But I can't boff a teacher." He blushed an even darker shade of red at the lie, though to be fair the first time he boffed Snape he hadn't known who it was.

Akumanox's face had turned dark for a second as if to say, _Sorry? You will be._ Then it resumed its normal blankness so fast Harry thought he'd imagined it.

"My mistake," she said evenly. "If there's anything you need, just ask."

Harry nodded. "There is something," he said and confided about Sevy's baby and his fears that Dumbledore would force him to give up the boy. Akumanox revealed that that was the reason she'd come. She already knew all of this. And she promised to do what she could when the time came.


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER SEVEN: FORESHADOWING!**

When Harry left Akumanox's office, her mask collapsed and ask did she, collapsing into tears. Sadness turned into anger, anger to rage, and rage to hate. How dare he reject her like that? She was Akumanox Cullen-Hart, an Enjeru, child of angels! Surely anyone who rejected an angel from his heart must be a devil!

But wait. Personal hurt feelings wouldn't be enough to declare a jihad on the boy. First, she must find out if anyone else in her family had a problem with him. That would be easy enough. Then she had to find out more about the boy himself. That too was no challenge.

To find out if her family also had agrudge she touched her temple which accessed a telepathic link to anyone in her family.

"Torin," she said. _Does the crown family grudge on Harry Potter?_

And that's how she found out about her father's history with Harry's ancestors. To find out more about the boy himself, she could have read up on him since he was in oodles of history books but instead she chose to read the minds of the other students to see what they thought about him. Half the Muggleborn thought he was Buffy the Vampire Slayer in disguise. Hufflepuffs generally thought, "Harry Potter's a pretty cool guy. eh fights Voledmort and doesn't afraid of anything." Gryffindors vascillated between thinking he was okay and being proud of him to represent them, to being jealous that he got all the attention. Ravenclaws thought he was a little dull and not smart enough for them, except Cho Chang who was dismayed at his obvious homosexuality, and Slytherins thought he was a waste of potential and life itself.

He was rich, popular, good-looking in a scruffy kind of way, and Akumanox was determined to turn him straight or he'd die with her trying. Someone, she couldn't be bothered to read their mind to find out their name since Akumanox was more important than they were and couldn't be bothered to remember petty things like student's names, had seen Fleur Delacour kiss him two years ago and wondered idly if she was his fag hag and he the queen of France. She assured them in passing that that probably wasn't the case.

As she was heading back to her office, the annoying poltergiest that like to drop stuff on people's heads burst into song.

_Nox Anne_

_You don't have to put on that red light_

_Walk the streets for money_

_You don't care if it's wrong or if it's right_

_Nox Anne_

_You don't have to wear that dress tonight_

_Nox Anne_

_You don't have to sell your body to the night_

The students burst out laughing. Akumanox threw out a force field of paper flowers and black magic. The origami was actually more effective in holding them back since she'd used up so much of her black magic reserves to invade everyone's mental privacy. Then she stormed off the rest of the way to her office because she couldn't be bothered with these dullards. After all Akumanox was important and had important things to do.


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER EIGHT: THE OTHER CULLEN-HART**

A week later, some of the more easily-amused students had taken up the song. The Muggle-borns got the reference and seemed to be more among the easily-amused population than the full Wizards and Squibs. Hermione didn't seem to think it was very funny because after all Akumanox was a teacher and deserved their respect. No one else agreed with her.

One day a gorgeous young woman with blonde hair and a white dress showed up at school. When asked what she was doing there, she said she was summoned.

"By who?"

"Why, by the student population, of course," she said, greatly surprised. "I am Noxanne Cullen-Hart, Akumanox's twin sister."

Shock and awe ensued.

"You must have been singing my song, for that is the most effective and reliable method of summoning me," she said.

"Peeves started it!" shouted a random Hufflepuff.

"Poltergeists don't do it for me," smiled Noxanne Cullen-Hart, Akumanox's twin sister. "It has to be a human with extraordinary powers. It is because of a spell my sister placed on me." She refused to call it a curse, even though that's exactly what it was. Since purebloods were the result of centuries of inbreeding, they were relatively rare and anyone who had been raised in even a semi-Muggle environment must understand the implications of the original song.

Every Muggle-born in the room suddenly understood if they didn't know it before that Akumanox was a cruel liar spinning a caustic yarn and had a vicious bite behind that kind smile.

"It was ... purely accidental," spluttered out a Ravenclaw student. "We didn't mean to summon you but please, please stay," she begged.

"Yes," added the same random Hufflepuff. "She's been reading our minds and... and... I think she may have been lying about Harry not being the queen of France!"

Noxanne smiled and nodded as if this made sense. "What I'd like to know," she probed gently, "is what my sister is doing here in the first place. I thought that if she'd be at any school, it would be Durmstrang."

"Our potions teacher left," spoke up Gregory Goyle with great dismay.

"Our potions teacher is Prof. Slughorn," hissed Pansy Parkinson.

"Well Snape will always be the potions master to me!" said Goyle and he burst in tears and ran from the room.

Noxanne looked at Pansy, puzzled.

"Severus Snape was our Potions master for five years before Dumbledore found it in his heart to offer him the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, which is what he really wanted. He got a new Potions teacher, Horace Slughorn. But when Professor Snape received the owl, he had to leave immediately and Akumanox just showed up and took over. None of us understand why."

"Dear sister," said Noxanne sadly, "always wanting to be needed."

"You mean meddling where she's not wanted," called out Lavender Brown angrily. "She acts like she's every schoolboy's fantasy and I heard a rumor that she even tried to get Harry Potter into bed, but he turned her down."

Noxanne gasped. Everybody looked at her.

"Then I am afraid that Harry Potter is in grave danger," she said, her eyes filling with tears. "Akumanox does not take rejection well."

Hermione rolled her eyes. _Trelawney would love her,_ she thought. As if reading her mind, which knowing her sister was probably the case, Noxanne said, "Please do not underestimate my sister. I will always love her, but she is not one to be trifled with."

"What's all this commotion?" called a newly familiar voice. Noxanne's large blue eyes got larger. "And now, my dears, I must go. Quickly, where's a place she'd never go?"

"Hufflepuff dorm," everyone said in quiet whispers. Noxanne hurried off and was gone a split second before Akumanox arrived.

"Sorry Professor," said Hermione. "We had an unexpected-"

"Where is she?!" demanded Akumanox. The students exchanged glances. She must already know. She would, being both a mindreader and the origin of the curse. They all reached an agreement at once.

"Divination tower," they shouted. Without even a thank-you, Akumanox disappeared in the wrong direction. Once she was gone, the students started whispering among themselves.

"What are we going to do?"

"I don't know."

"We have to protect her."

"I know."

Draco Malfoy looked at his watch. "I, um, have to go," he announced. "I have to pick up something for ... a person." And with that shifty remark he was gone and the rest of the students dispersed.


	9. Chapter 9

**Writing this has been a lot of fun and no, this is not yet the end. I've had to do a lot of soul-searching while writing this and I'm proud to say that it's the deepest story I've ever come up with. Thank you all **

**CHAPTER NINE: CHOICES**

Noxanne was not, of course, in the Divination tower when Akumanox went looking for her. She was in the Headmaster's office for a time, then the Room of Requirement, then the library, then in a corridor with Peeves.

"No, dear," Noxanne was scolding gently when Akumanox finally caught up with her. "The accent must be on 'legs.' The _night_ of her _wed_ding she _leapt_ into _bed,_ her _bosoms_ were heaving, her _legs_ were well- Oh! Sister dear, I didn't see you there," she exclaimed upon spotting Akumanox.

"I can bet," said Akumanox sourly. Noxanne stayed where she was, hands folded in her lap, one ankle tucked behind the other, smiling pleasantly.

"Did Mommie Dearest send you?" Akumanox asked. Noxanne shook her head, tucking a blonde lock behind her ear.

"The student body summoned me," she said. "Since I'm already here, there's no need for everyone to keep singing for me, so I was teaching Peeves a new song."

"How nice for you," said Akumanox, growing more frosty by the second. She hated it when conversations weren't about her.

"Yes, I was going to start with something by the Bloodhound Gang, but I thought it best to begin with something simple and traditional to which Wizards and Muggles alike could relate, and then I thought-"

"You, you, you. You're always so rude," tutted Akumanox. "Aren't you going to ask about _my_ day, or how _I've_ been? Didn't you stop to consider how you being here would make _me_ feel?"

"But I didn't have a choice," protested Noxanne, rising, hands still folded in front of her, a concerned look on her face. "I'm honor-bound to appear when summoned."

"That's not good enough!" snapped Akumanox. "You're so inconsiderate and self-centered!"

Noxanne waved aside the hypocrisy of Akumanox's outburst. "I'm sorry, dear. How _have_ you been? You've taken on quite a lot with this teaching assignment."

Akumanox was sorely tempted to rub it in her sister's face how late the inquiry had come, but decided to let it go. For now. She'd no doubt be bringing it up later. For now, she assumed the attitude of a martyr in supplication, hands clasped at her bosom, staring up into the ceiling.

"Truly, it is no burden. The young minds are eager to be filled with knowledge," and on like that for hours, with Noxanne nodding and smiling, ever the perfect audience for Akumanox's histrionics.

"And now, you must go," Akumanox concluded when she'd done with her martyrisms.

"You know I can't do that," Noxanne reminded her sister. "Once summoned, I'm honor-bound to stay, until they who summoned me cast me away. All Enjeru take that oath."

Akumanox wasn't listening. "This castle isn't big enough for both of us. Go back to Mommie Dearest. You're not welcome here."

"I wouldn't if I could," sighed Noxanne. "Given your propensity for troublesome situations, it would be nothing short of irresponsible for me to leave you here alone." Noxanne was referring to Akumanox's unfortunate tendency to get kidnapped, possessed, tortured, raped, and worse. She was, and always had been, the consummate damsel in distress. To make up for always having to be saved, she spent her life trying to "save" others, often imposing her will and the ways of Enjeru magic and culture on them.

Of course, she also hated admitting that she needed to be saved. One of her favorite complaints was that everyone else was always trying to play hero and never gave her a chance to save herself. Noxanne maintained that if Akumanox really didn't need saving, she'd manage to get herself out of trouble before someone else had to. It usually took hours, even days, before anyone was even made aware of Akumanox's situation.

Luckily, while Akumanox was at Hogwarts, nothing much more dire than being Peeves' new favorite target happened to her personally. As if to vex her (for she secretly loved any excuse to be the center of attention), disaster seemed to strike everyone but her. Katie Bell was the victim of a cursed necklace, for instance, and Ron Weasley got slipped a love potion and then a poison. If Akumanox hadn't been there with her focus gem and a Mysterious Enjeru Cure™ that did not originate inside a horned mammal well-known for stubbornness, who knows what would have happened? The one unfortunate side effect of the Mysterious Enjeru Cure™ was that it made the hapless Ron Weasley highly susceptible to dropping dead, then being resurrected, then dropping dead again and being resurrected again, every two to four weeks. Akumanox also slipped Dumbledore some of this cure, out of the goodness of her spleen. Dumbledore was not amused. To maximize the potential for drama, Akumanox "let it slip" about Snape and Harry's illegitimate assbaby. Dumbledore was even less amused by this, for lack of a better word, faggotry. He was understandably concerned for Harry's welfare and doubted that either he or Severus Snape was emotionally stable enough to raise a child. Money wasn't a problem for either man, but it wasn't enough. Dumbledore reasoned that Molly Weasley, having so many children of her own, would be a much better candidate to raise the baby until Harry was less preoccupied with things like becoming an Auror and Voldemort trying to kill him.

Akumanox, of course, had her own creative interpretation of Dumbledore's reasoning. And Harry being an angsty teenager, who was he more likely to believe?

As for poor Noxanne, she was a wee bit stuck in the castle. She spent most of her time keeping Peeves from pelting students with stuff by continuing to teach him the exact inflection in which to sing old bawdy songs. She considered it the lesser of two evils. She didn't try to prevent him from dropping things on Akumanox's head, however. She knew from experience that it would take much more blunt force trauma than a mere flagstone, silly gargoyle, or trivial chandelier to affect her sister's hard head.

When she wasn't teaching Peeves lewd songs, she spent her time sitting in on lectures and tutoring students.

When Noxanne had learned of Harry's dilemma and who he'd gone to for help, she too offered to help. Harry thanked her for her kindness but he hadn't spent hours in Noxanne's office confiding and crying on her shoulder. Akumanox had been the one he'd decided to call on when J.S. was born. Knowing her sister as she did, Noxanne hoped Harry wouldn't come to regret this decision. She liked the plucky boy and wished him the best.

Noxanne took advantage of the ensuing drama and confusion to _gently_ convince the student body to _ask_ her to leave. Greatly relieved, she wiped everyone's memory of her existence and of their less positive encounters with her sister. She left a note by Harry's bed with the words that would summon Akumanox, should he require aid: "I need you Abyss."

Then she fled home and watched from her opal ball as the drama unfolded.


	10. Chapter 10

**My sister would like me to say this to you all: What do you mean? My story makes perfect sense!**

**CHAPTER TEN: CONVERSATIONS**

That was where she was when she felt Akumanox's anger, flowing hot as lava.

"Oh dear," she murmured. She immediately rang her sister to find out what was going on.

"Hello, dear. Is something wrong?… I see… No dear, he doesn't remember me… Yes, I'm sure… But it's only natural that he'd want to make sure his son is in good hands… No, of course I'm not suggesting he has reason to believe otherwise, but you know how paranoid he is… No, I don't find it odd that he hasn't named you his godmother. He has got quite a lot on his plate, don't you think?… All right dear, enjoy the rest of your day."

When Noxanne hung up, she felt distinctly exhausted. Among Akumanox's many talents was the ability to suck the energy out of a person over any possible distance. Noxanne put a hand to her forehead and sat down, contemplating what she'd do next. It was unlike her not to get involved when someone was in trouble, but Akumanox was just becoming far too much of a burden. Noxanne loved her sister, but couldn't spend the rest of her life getting her out of trouble.

On the other hand, poor J.S.'s life had just begun. Even Noxanne could see that someone as controlling, self-centered, and narcissistic as Akumanox had no business raising a child, especially one that didn't belong to her. Why did Harry even have to give J.S. up in the first place? Hadn't anyone in the Wizarding world ever heard of a nanny?

But enough rumination. Noxanne needed a plan of action. As much as it would hurt her sister Noxanne couldn't let Harry be persuaded into naming Akumanox godmother. It was in the poor child's best interest.

Akumanox had said she intended to visit Harry, baby in tow, exactly a month from now. Noxanne checked the calendar and gasped. The full moon! Precisely when Akumanox would be at her strongest and Noxanne at her weakest.

"She must have known what I would plan." Noxanne wasn't surprised; they were sisters and they had lived together all their lives. She decided to make a call.


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER ELEVEN: HELP! I NEED SOMEBODY**

A chill shower was the perfect way to start the day, Qina thought as she conditioned her hair. She sang softly to herself, her soprano voice ringing clearly through the otherwise silent apartment. She could just feel that something was going to happen today.

Just as she was checking to make sure she'd gotten all the conditioner out, she thought she heard her name.

_Chee…naa…Chee…naa…_, an ethereal female voice called. Qina bit the inside of her cheek. She would never get used to this.

"I'm here, and you're lucky you're alone," she called. "I'd look pretty crazy talking to a ghost voice."

"Only because you live with Moogles," the voice reasoned. Qina bit back a laugh.

"The word is Muggles, I do believe," she said. "Now then, is this a business call or a social call?"

"A little bit of both, I'm afraid," sighed the voice, growing steadily less ethereal as its owner materialized in front of Qina. "As you know, the full moon is in a month."

"Is it?" Qina was preoccupied with drying her hair. "Oh well, now I know."

"Yes," her visitor said, sallying forth determinedly, "and my magic is weakest on the full moon."

"Now that I remembered." Qina stopped toweling her hair, suddenly concerned. "This is about yoru sister, isnt' it?"

One look at the blonde woman's face confirmed this.

"She's planning to persuade Harry Potter to name her godmother of James Sirius, his son."

Qina straightened up, throwing her naturally-terra-cotta-highlighted sienna hair back. Some of it moved to vaguely frame her heart-shaped face. She looked fierce, like a lion.

"Akumanox Cullen-Hart, a godmom?" Qina's low voice shook, unable to suppress her laughter. "The poor bastard's actual mother must be a real piece of work. Who is she?"

"Severus Snape," said Noxanne quietly.

"No, really," prodded Qina. "Who is she?"

Noxanne just looked at her.

"Mpreg? In MY request for assistance?" her expression seemed to say.

It's more likely than you think.

"I know you're not the joking type…" Qina began carefully, "but… that's about as likely as Harry Potter being the queen of France."

"Please, Qina. You're the only person I can trust to help. Your power peaks on the same day my sister's does and Enjeru magic won't work on you. I'll make my pre-emptive strike in eleven days, on the new moon. Will you aid me or not?"

"What do you need?" sighed Qina.


	12. Chapter 12

**CHAPTER TWELVE: THOSE LACKING BRAINS**

It was a cool, clear night at the Bright Sun Shed. Beethoven's Ode to Joy was playing quietly in the background and Noxanne Cullen-Hart was dancing to it. She was graceful and light on her feet, and seemed to make one think of a swan. Her shed was painted a cheery chrysanthemum on the outside and lily white within. It was decorated with yellow roses, dandelions, chrysanthemums, tulips, and tiger lilies. It was very small, but being only a single person it suited her needs. She found it very cozy and secure. No one would think a shed had anything in it worth robbing, and they'd be right. Aside from classical music CD's, a small CD-radio, a mini-fridge, cot, and shower-stall, there wasn't much there. Noxanne had a curious penchant for small lights, so the inside of the hut was lined with Christmas lights. There was a basement with a door that was almost invisible due to the colorful garden outside and the basement contained a generator.

Tonight was when Noxanne planned to make her pre-emptive strike. Even her opal ball seemed starry-eyed. She had had a drop of Felix Felicis with her tea and was feeling rather good about today overall. She would go to Hogearts and speak with Professor Dumbledore, perhaps McGonagall if Dumbledore wasn't available.

Luck be a lady tonight.

When she arrived at Hogearts, via her trusty Swiffer Wet-Jet, which she'd named Spiffy Ora, she felt a compelling urge to visit the Slytherin common room. Spiffy Ora seemed to think it would be a good idea to zoom through the portrait hole before said portrait swung closed after the last student. When the Ora made up its mind about something, Noxanne was just an adrenaline junky along for the ride.

Spiffy Ora was not only sentient, but also intelligent. He had the good sense to screech to a midair halt just before he would have smacked into Professor Snape.

"Good evening, Professor," Noxanne chirped, as if this happened every night. "My sister, Akumanox, plans to drop in on Harry Potter in exactly two weeks, with his baby in tow. She wants to be the child's godmother, but that's beside the point."

"Miss Cullen-Hart…"

As luck would have it, the person that Noxanne was speaking to was not, in fact, Severus Snape. As a result of a childish popularity contest, a convoluted mini-non-plot-twist, and way too much butterbeer, Snape and McGonagall had switched bodies.

"Why are you telling _me_ this?"

"I was planning to tell Dumbeldore, but Spiffy Ora here ran into you first."

McGonagall pursed Snape's lips. "I see. I'll let the headmaster know once he returns from his trip."

Noxanne barely had time to nod her thanks before Spiffy Ora decided he wanted to go to Hogsmeade. And Hogsmeade had quite a show to offer.

At the Hog's Head was a stage, O. And on that stage was Argus Filch, O. With a corset here and a short skirt there. Here a green, there a green, everywhere a green-green. Filch had on a curly wig. Eee Iiii Eee Iiii Ohhh.

On the stage with him were Draco Malfoy, Cho Chang, Blaise Zabini, and Neville Longbottom. Noxanne and Spiffy Ora had zoomed in just in time to catch the beginning.

Blaise and Cho were standing to the left of Filch, who was center stage, facing him. Behind and to the right of Filch stood Neville. Farther back was a shirtless Draco Malfoy, who looked as though he'd become intimately acquainted with a tanning booth recently.

A three-note intro acted as Filch's cue to begin singing to Cho and Blaise.

"How do you do, I." Pause. "See you've met my." Pause while Filch indicates Neville. "Faithful _handyman._" Neville did not look amused.

"He's just a… little brought down because, when you knocked, he thought you were the… _candyman,_" Filch explained. Everyone stared at him blankly.

"Don't get strung out," Filch pleaded, "by the way that I look! Don't judge a book by its cover. I'm not much of a man, by the light of day, but by night I'm one hell of a lover."

Noxanne really hoped her opal ball was getting this.

"I'm just a sweet transvestite, from Transsexual Transylvaniaaa." Filch actually had quite a good singing voice.

"So let me… show you around, maybe, play you a sound," he invited, advancing on Blaise and Cho. "You look like you're both pretty _groovy._ Or if you want something visual, that's not too abysmal, we could take in an old Steve Reeves movie."

Blaise looked nonplussed. "I'm glad we caught you at home," he said. "Can we use your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry."

"Right," chimed in Cho.

"We'll just say where we are, then go back to the car. We don't want to be any worry," said Blaise.

Filch seemed elated by this. "Well you got, caught with a flat, well, how bout that? Well babies, don't you panic. By the light of the night when it all seems all right, we'll get you a Satanic mechanic! I'm just a sweet transvestite, from Transsexual Transylvania," he repeated. The audience looked bewildered, bemused, and enthralled.

"So why don't you stay for the night," Filch persisted, "or maybe a bite? I could show you my favorite obsession."

Now the audience looked disturbed, horrified, and still enthralled.

"I've been making a man," Filch confided, indicating Draco, "with blond hair and a tan, and he's good for relieving my… tension."

Now it was Draco who looked disturbed and horrified. The audience just looked enthralled. When Filch and co. were done singing, there was a tumult of cheers and applause. Draco Malfoy would never live this down.

How the hell was this supposed to be _lucky_? Noxanne asked herself. Oh, no. She must have mixed Felix up with some other vial. Which meant that she had been acting on sheer will and mind-altered stupidity.

In short, she was screwed.


End file.
